twenty twenty

As the last couple of hours of 2020 dwindle away, I sit here (on call in the hospital, where I’ve spent the vast majority of my year) taking a rare free moment to try to force myself to express the thoughts that have been vaguely simmering in my subconscious about this past year. Though tomorrow is merely only another day, and one that won’t magically set all the world’s problems straight, it does offer us the promise of hope. This year was generally unanimously deemed the ‘worst year ever’ for a number of external factors. I want to say something cheesy, like “paradoxically, for personal growth it was my best year ever,” but alas, this year was solidly unforgiving in most aspects. 

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I am at my core, however, a true optimist, and try to find the good where I can so here goes:

1/ In a year where I was exposed to so much death and devastation and loss and fear and uncertainty, I was forced to learn quickly how to handle the burdens of others and to accept when I need help when I cannot bear it on my own.

2/ In a year of sickness, I (somehow!) managed to hold onto my own health and provide for others what I could.

3/ In a year where a friendship I held dear came to an end, I learned to accept that I am not meant for everyone and that is okay. I can appreciate those in my life who make the active effort to be there for me, and reciprocate the same.

4/ In a year of isolation, I was able to have connections with people (both old and new) that allowed me to continue to learn more about myself, bit by bit.

5/ In a year where there were moments where I felt like I had truly lost myself and my connection to religion and God, it gave me the constant opportunity to reflect on my spirituality and what it means to me. In truth, I have no idea where it’ll lead in the end, but that’s part of the journey.

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I’m currently reviewing my aspirations I had put down to paper this time last year (see below), and realize that they will probably be much the same for the upcoming year. Always grateful for that which is never promised to us but allows us hope: time.